


Filed in Triplicate: Evil Space Bureaucracy Ficlets

by Carmarthen



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Animals, Alternate Universe - Raccoons, Alternate Universe - Tingleverse Fusion, Anthropomorphic Personifications, Bureaucracy, Chuck Tingle - Freeform, Crack, Evil Bureaucracy, Ficlet Collection, Gen, M/M, Other, Parody, PowerPoint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 05:05:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6410005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmarthen/pseuds/Carmarthen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An assortment of extremely cracky Kylo &/ Hux ficlets: Chuck Tingle pastiche, insurance claims, powerpoint, and territorial raccoons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. POUNDED IN THE BUTT BY SPACE BUREAUCRACY (Tingleverse)

**Author's Note:**

> I know, some people hate ficlet collections. But I'm pretty sure more people hate tiny ficlets where everyone's a raccoon, so here they are in a collection for people who _do_ want some bite-sized crack.
> 
> 1\. Pounded in the Butt by Space Bureaucracy - Hux/space bureaucracy, a Chuck Tingle fusion  
> 2\. Filing the insurance claim for Starkiller base - Hux & Kylo vs. Cartel Insurance Corp  
> 3\. raccoonverse - Hux/Kylo UST  
> 4\. Hux makes a PowerPoint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Hux is pounded in the butt by space bureaucracy, with thanks to Dr. Chuck Tingle, grandmaster of surreal erotica.

It was just another ordinary day on Starkiller Base. I had corridors to stride down with a constipated expression, officers to motivate, frothing genocidal speeches to practice…and of course the boss’s annoying pet, Kylo “not a Sith Lord” Ren to manage. Being an improbably young, incredibly ginger general on a scientifically ludicrous planet-sized death machine was a very stressful job, and every time I had to file another damage report in triplicate for one of Ren’s tantrums, I felt like I was being pounded in the butt by space bureaucracy, and not in the fun way. 

I pressed “send” on the latest report, and then filled it twice more, because our reporting system had been carefully designed to imitate the frustration of old-fashioned flimsi-based bureaucracy. When I asked Supreme Leader Snoke, he just mumbled something about “honing rage” and told me not to question his vision. Sometimes I just wished I could get away from it all for a while, maybe visit a nice planet where I could pick up a hot guy who didn’t whine or destroy things and get pounded in the butt for real, forget about all these plans for mass murder and galactic domination. But I still wasn’t Emperor, so I couldn’t afford to take the time off work.

“I can arrange the pounding part, at least,” said a voice from behind me, and I turned to see an incredibly hot emanation which I couldn’t really describe except to say he was really sexy and had great abs and an enormous dick.

“Who are you?” I asked. “How did you get past security?”

“I’m the personification of evil space bureaucracy,” he said, “but my friends call me Lurb. Are you ready for that hard anal pounding, General Hux?”

Well, I thought, it beat the hell out of fucking Kylo Ren.


	2. Insurance Adjustment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A sequel to Sath's ficlet about the [Starkiller Base insurance claim](http://sathinfection.tumblr.com/post/138447747343/porbo-the-hutt-junior-insurance-adjustor), in which Hux and Kylo meet their insurance adjustor personally.

“It is insulting,” Kylo Ren said, his vocoder modulating his voice to something that almost didn’t sound petulant. “Making us wait in line to see a mere _junior_ insurance adjustor. The First Order has been a reliable customer of Cartel Insurance Corp for twenty years.”

Hux considered pointing out that, to date, the First Order had paid approximately 0.000000001% of the value of the claim for Starkiller Base in premiums. Prompt payment only counted for so much.

He didn’t really want to fill out any more miscellaneous damage forms, though, so instead he merely reminded Ren that he was not to kill the insurance adjustor, junior or not.

Porbo the Hutt was small for a Hutt, and had a vaguely sweaty air, despite his species not possessing sweat glands. A cheering sign. Perhaps bringing Kylo along for the intimidation factor might actually have some effect.

“I have read your counterclaim,” Porbo said, blinking his bulging eyes apologetically. “I understand that you argue that while there were Force users present on the base at the time, the actual destruction of the oscillator was caused by thermal detonators, and thus is not covered by the acts of the Force subclause?”

“Correct.” Beside Hux, Ren shifted in a vaguely menacing way.

“An interesting argument,” said Porbo. “I’m afraid I am not a lawyer and cannot comment on its likelihood of success. However, before we can pass this on to Legal, the counterclaim needs to be notarized, here and here, by an official notary on—” He checked his datapad. “The planet of origin of the claim.”

Ren exploded, leaping to his feet with clenched fists. Through long practice, Hux did not react visibly. “This is idiotic! Starkiller Base is atoms! The notaries are atoms! There are no notaries!” He waved a hand with what he clearly thought was mystic grace. “We do not need a notary. You _will_ approve this counterclaim.” 

Porbo blinked again. “—or a designated embassy thereof, I suppose, given the circumstances.”

“Excuse me a moment,” said Ren, and stepped out of the room. The sound of a lightsabre igniting and multiple crashes ensued.

Hux allowed himself to wince. “I hope you have insurance.”

“There are certain downsides to being a galactic monopoly,” said Porbo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really have no idea what insurance adjustors do, but I'm not sure Porbo does, either.


	3. Territorial Disputes (raccoonverse)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to an autocorrect error, Kylo and Hux are raccoons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn you, Sath.

Hux hated the new raccoon from the moment he showed up in Hux’s territory, from his weird hunched scuttle to his unattractively lopsided facial markings and obnoxiously thick, lustrous fur.

Where Hux had spent half a day carefully calculating the best route into the dumpsters behind the new hotel—climbing up a pile of abandoned furniture, springboarding off the top of the fence to a nearby shed, and leaping into the dumpster, Kylo had simply climbed into the dumpster, a feat of strength that was infuriatingly out of the smaller raccoon’s reach.

When Kylo found he couldn’t get out the same way, and was humiliatingly chased from the dumpster by an angry human female with a lot of tufts of fur on her head and, more importantly, a broom, Hux laughed.

But the absolute _worst_ thing about Kylo was that he didn’t wash his food. It was disgusting.

“Snoke says that it’s not about hygiene,” Kylo said, in that way that made Hux want to smack him in the face with his tiny, dextrous paws, and maybe bite him for good measure. Unfortunately, being a raccoon, Kylo would probably think that was foreplay. It would definitely not be foreplay, Hux thought, nearsightedly eyeing Kylo’s muscular forelegs and luxurious tail, because Kylo was a dick. “As raccoons, we don’t see very well, so we have to touch things to understand them. Wetting our paws increases the sensitivity of the slowly adapting nerves. Of course, _I_ don’t need that kind of assistance. I have…other ways of understanding my environment.” Kylo rubbed his paws together, dryly, for no reason at all, and stroked his half-eaten corncob. He was probably getting germs on it. “I suppose _you_ have to get your paws wet.” The sneer was audible.

Hux contemplated pushing him into the stream and taking the corncob, but he had a feeling trying to push a raccoon twice his size anywhere would just lead to humiliation.

Instead, he dipped his bread crust in the river again, with a pointed glare at Kylo, whose fur was looking particularly majestic in the moonlight.

The bread crust disintegrated between his paws and he slunk away to the sound of Kylo’s chittering laughter. Someday he would break into the biggest dumpster of all, one too big to be scaled with mere brute force, and _then_ they’d see who Snoke’s favorite was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things I learned:
> 
> 1\. Raccoons aren't washing their food, just making dining a more excitingly tactile experience.
> 
> 2\. Despite being one of the most common mammals in North America and introduced to Europe, apparently people have only described them mating twice.
> 
> 3\. Raccoon mating is extended and "rough." Foreplay seems to involve patting each other's faces with their paws and a lot of shrieking on the part of the female.


	4. Data Presentation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux has to do a PowerPoint and Kylo ruins it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Sath. You may notice a theme here.

Hux had always secretly enjoyed making presentations. There was something soothing about choosing the right template, elegant but unobtrusive; optimizing the dark gray text on a light gray background to maximize readability without eyestrain; paring his thoughts down to a streamlined maximum of three bullet points per slide with carefully selected visual aids.

The clear presentation of quantitative data in a visual format was key to communicating his vision to the First Order high command, who, unlike Supreme Leader, could not simply sift through his thoughts and comprehend. Pie charts were an abomination; stacked 3D bar charts misleading. This presentation had to be perfect.

**REASONS TO CREATE A NEW SUPERWEAPON**

  * Crush the Republic once and for all
  * Decrease unemployment in the First Order worlds by a projected 3.7%
  * Because we can



He stared at the screen for a long moment, gnawing absently on his stylus. Far too wordy, and “Because we can” sounded like something Kylo Ren would say. He erased all the text on the slide.

**WHY STARKILLER?**

  * Destroy Republic
  * Employment
  * Proof of concept



Much better.

Several hours later, his caf was down to the dregs and his stomach growled. A few final tweaks and it would be ready for the command meeting. But first, more caf, and maybe a tube of nutrient paste.

He returned to find another document open on his console.

> I made some improvements. -Kylo Ren

Hux could already feel the vein in his forehead beginning to throb as he switched back to the presentation software.

At first, it looked like a set of blank black slides, with a badly clipped image of Darth Vader’s mask in the bottom right corner where a tastefully faded version of the First Order insignia had formerly sat.

As he flipped through the slideshow, his rage grew, peaking when he realized that the original file had been deleted.

A short time later, in Kylo Ren’s quarters, the sound of Hux’s clipped voice slowly approaching a shout could have been heard, if all the troopers in that block hasn’t mysteriously found urgent tasks elsewhere when Hux stomped down the corridor:

_“—and how the FUCK is anyone supposed to read BLACK TEXT ON A BLACK BACKGROUND, YOU INSUFFERABLE, PRETENTIOUS **TWAT**?”_


End file.
